commitment issues

Anxiety and commitment

My two big struggles in life.
Who would have ever thought three little kittens would push these issues so much?
Roo my first cat, my first true love has been missing for 36 hours.
I am so broken hearted.
I last saw him on Sunday evening as I was hopping in the car to rush off to an anniversary party. He was sitting on the sidewalk watching me drive away. Across the street there were the usual street kids and I shouted out to Roo, “run Roo, run and get away from those nasty boys”. When I got home at 11 he wasn’t there. I was too tired to call out for him and figured he was just playing in the neighborhood. The next day he wasn’t there either. Usually he is in his bed in my bedroom in the morning… but he wasn’t. When I came home at 9pm last night he still wasn’t around and the cat food I put out for him was hardly touched by the other two. Usual Roo has eaten everything by the evening. I asked my neighbors and they said they had seen him the night before at around 1am and he even came into their house for a visit. They told me if they saw him they would bring him in and keep him in their house till I got home.
Still this morning (Tuesday, he hasn’t come back). I have to teach today after school and won’t get home till about 6pm. And then have to rush out to dinner to say good bye to a friend. Which I guess is better than sitting at home waiting for Roo to come back.
I won’t if my other two cats are purposely hiding Roo, because I have been showering them with extra attention in my sadness since he has been gone.
So the new issue is if I should find them a new home here in Palestine or bring them back to America and find them a home there. I have fought all year falling in love with these two cats. I know that there is no way I can take them with me no matter where I go next year. But these two little babies wouldn’t take no for an answer. From the moment they were born their mother insisted that they become mine. I spent an entire day moving them to my neighbor’s house where she planned on taking care of them. Their mother painstakingly spent that whole day moving them one by one back to me, until finally she gave up and agreed to nursing them at my neighbor’s house. As soon as they were old enough to be weaned, their mother, big mamma, took off and has never been seen from again. And now Roo who isn’t from big mamma but is learning to be like her has left. From the moment I met him he was a really special cat. I am pretty sure he is the first in his lineage of all his ancestors from the beginning of time to be domesticated. And trust me, roo choose me not the other way around. He is the one who used to follow me around the garden of safwan’s house determined not to let me get away with out being adopted. Ironic in so many ways since Safwan’s home is an orphanage. Ironic since I had tried so hard to get Safwan adopted out and because of local Islamic law, I was stopped. But here was kitten who was equally unwanted and no one has any intention of stopping me from taking him home. Palestinians fight so hard for a visa to even visit American. And here is this cat that they don’t want and it can came to live in America with out even a visa. There are a few people who have realized the paradox of this situaion but even fewer have realized that what people here value the most (teenage boys highly educated in all things Islamic) is the least wanted by the rest of the world. However their “trash” (cats and disabled children) have no problem leaving and emigrating to another place in the world.
My first reaction apon taking Roo and the other two was that I wanted to prepare myself for the eventual heart break I would feel. I know myself, I know that I am not going to settle down anytime soon to a place where I can keep cats. This year was a miracle. Cats live a long time and I don’t see myself creating a life where I can take them with me everywhere I go. I also know that I have no ability to stop myself from falling totally and utterly in love. Could I hold back my love for these animals knowing that I would have to say goodbye to them at the end of the school year? These animals and I were going to be sharing a very small little space with each other. Could I keep myself from learning to love them???? This might be a very bad idea.

it takes guts

I know it wouldn't seem like it but I am the world's biggest chicken. I am constantly paralyzed by fear. There is so much in the world that I can't bring myself to do because I am so afraid.

Bravery is about doing things you are afraid of, conquering fears. Traveling to warring countries, running away from communist police, standing in front of a classroom full of 30 kids whom you don't share a language with doesn't scare me and so I am not brave in doing these things.
However applying for graduate school, this I am most definitely afraid of. And as my friends here and around the globe whom i gave permission to harass me this year until I sent in the application can attest to. I was paralyzed with to follow through and get it in.
And now a new challenge has arisen........ I need to find out if I have been accepted or not. I need to write them an email and ask if I am in. I don't know the proper protocol for European programs. I don't know if this is kosher. I have asked several friends who are European and who are even Italian and they all told me I had to contact the university to find out. But i am afraid. I don't know how to force myself to actually do it. And so i sit and procrastinate.

The next hurdle are my cats... i know i need to find them homes but I love them too much. There is a part of me that wonders if i can really separate myself from them. I am so afraid that they won't be taken care of by their new families that I am avoiding trying to find them families.
so in the mean time i can't by my plane tickets home because i don't know if i am taking my cats home with me to find them families in America.
plus there is a part of me that knows that buying a plane ticket home is the real thing and it means I am really leaving the holyland.
I came here originally for six months and here I still am more than two years later.
I am not ready to leave Safwan and to say good bye to him.
It is breaking my heart.
the cats are breaking my hearts...
leaving the students and their families breaks my heart too.

so i haven't boughten a plane ticket or sent an email......

i am a whimp